A Random Thing I Remembered While Scrolling Through A List Of Prompts
In elementary school, I was two different people. They weren’t drastically different, but they were different enough.
The first person was who I wanted to be, or at least who I thought I had to become to be liked. One of those kids who did all the popular dances and trends, and was also a smartass and tried to act like they were grown. I only managed to make friends with the people who were nice to me despite that, the rest of those kinds of kids made fun of me. I don’t understand why I wanted to be them, but I guess that’s the kind of thing that makes sense as a child. I also tried my hand at bullying. It turns out, being bullied doesn’t make you an expert at the act…plus, it made me feel sick, how do people who were made fun of when they were younger grow up to bully others?
The other person was who I actually was—a nerdy, somewhat boyish weirdo. I liked to play video games and would do things that all of the kids thought were weird and made fun of me for. I would also do things that I deserved to be laughed at for (like thinking I was a cheetah — this still haunts my memories). I also liked dolls, and still do.
Side note: To all the people who bullied me for being a child…please, explain your logic. I’m sorry I wasn’t talking about drugs, sex, and twerking when I was seven, I guess.
As a result, I had two different friend groups, at least until I stopped talking to one as much. They got along pretty well for the most part, but they were fighting at some point. Or, more accurately, one person from group weirdo was fighting with one person from group popular.
I vaguely remember rapidly switching back and forth between hanging out with group popular and group weirdo in fear of pissing off the group I was leaving behind. I didn’t want either group to think I was siding with the other because I wasn’t. I don’t even remember what the argument was about now, but it was something I had enough common sense not to get into.
This was one of the many things that made me realize how much I disliked trying to fit in; I didn’t like feeling like I had to please everyone. It felt awful kissing everyone’s ass, even the ones of my friends.
I’m glad I no longer feel I have to.
And now, all of the sudden, I’m remembering so many different things from elementary school that I think I blocked out. Some things I look back on and laugh at, some things I look back on and cringe at, and some things I look back on and I feel awful.
I’m not sure I want to get into any of those today, but I thought I’d get into the thing I remembered first. I think I’ve just been reflective recently.
