Morse Code
You recently learned Morse Code. You’d thought it would help in an emergency, though you don’t feel like you would be in danger in the foreseeable future.
You tend to do things out of paranoia. Every day, you feel like someone is after you, someone out there is looking to hurt you, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Since you can’t tell if the thoughts are rational or not, you decided to make sure no one can ever hurt you.
It’s pushed you away from everyone you love. You separate yourself from everything and everyone, fearing they’ll hurt you. So, everyone thought you didn’t want them around.
You have no one now, but you’ve gotten to the point where having people around is overrated. You’re content with your solitude, there’s no one to disappoint if you’re alone. Plus, being alone is better than being around people that may turn around and hurt you in various ways, right? You don’t need more trauma.
You had a therapist, but she was awful. She never understood you, did she? Not that she tried, it’s almost like she deliberately didn’t want to understand. Everything you told her, she dismissed. Or, she explained to you in her sickly sweet voice that there is nothing wrong with you, you’re just refusing to let go of childhood trauma, and she essentially called you stupid for still having flashbacks and panic attacks. So, you trust no mental health professional to help you.
So, you’re completely alone, and keeping everything inside, but surely that’s okay, right? After all, no one knows you better than yourself.
When you go outside, you make sure you’ll be safe. You wear a hoodie and keep your eyes down, you don’t speak to anyone unless it’s necessary, and you try not to stay out of the house long to decrease the chance of anyone being able to get you.
Today, it was raining, so you brought an umbrella. As you were walking down the street, you thought you heard someone or something say, “Run.”
You looked around, and there was no one, so you stopped. You heard it again and looked around to see if there was anyone there.
After a while, you realized that no one was speaking and that for some reason, the raindrops hitting your umbrella sounded like they are saying, “run” in Morse Code.
.-. ..- -.
Run.
.-. ..- -.
Run.
“Run?” You whispered.
.-. ..- -.
Run? You think. Why do I need to run?
.-. ..- -.
Wait. This is rain…it can’t tell me anything. This is all in my head, right?
.-. ..- -.
Is this in my head?
.-. ..- -.
Am I imagining things?
.-. ..- -.
I don’t know. I don’t know anymore! I don’t know what’s real anymore…
You start hyperventilating.
.-. ..- -.
I have to go home. I can’t be out here…I’ll have to go grocery shopping another day. I need to go home, I can’t be out here, I need to go home!
You run home and frantically get out your keys. Once you unlock the door, you throw your umbrella away, lay down on your couch, and start crying.
You pick up your phone to try to talk to someone, but who? Who is there to talk to? You have no one. You’re terrified. No one can tell you what’s real, and no one can save you from your brain.
You’re all alone, trapped with your paranoid thoughts and the demons from your past. And no one knows.
