The People I’m Around Got Less Judgmental As I Got Older (Or Not)
The Analysis of an Article I Wrote Last Year
On March 31st, 2023 (six days after my sixteenth birthday, funnily enough) I wrote an article called “The People I’m Around Got Less Judgmental As I Got Older.”
The article got one clap from Shubhreen. Thank you, darling.
Despite the fact that one person clapped for it, nine people saw it, and four people read it all the way through, I thought I’d discuss it as there are opinions and viewpoints I held then that I no longer do.
Here’s the original article.
And now, let’s get into the analysis.
#1: The Opening
I open the article by stating the following.
Or I just stopped caring.
Or it’s both.
Kids judge each other for everything. I got bullied for playing with dolls…we were in second grade. The real question should’ve been: why weren’t they still playing with toys? I also got bullied for crying…and yes, I was sensitive and still am, but again, we were children. And everyone cries.
Well, some people don’t anymore, but generally, people cry and shouldn’t be judged for that.
Sports was never my thing either, but if you weren’t good at it, you got yelled at.
I grew up watching my every move and knowing everyone else was watching, remembering, and judging me for…me.
“They’ll forget about it.” No, they won’t. They will hold it over your head until they leave your life.
Now, I still agree with this. I cannot fathom why I was bullied for simply being a child. I feel as if it was the fault of my peers’ parents for either letting them be too grown, or making them grow up faster, but I don't know. All I know is that being a child and crying was forbidden to my peers. I may never get it.
And no, no one forgot. I’m sorry if you’re currently enduring a memory of an embarrassing moment and was using that phrase to make you feel better, but most of these people remember me and everything I did. One of them actually implied that this year.
(Side note: Looking back at this makes me realize that I have actually grown as a writer. Go me!)
I go on to talk about how I used to watch movies depicting high school, and while I knew that they were unrealistic, I couldn’t help be afraid of high school because of them. It didn't help that most of the high school kids I encountered at the time were crude and awful.
I also briefly mention that middle school was fine, and that I got a little picked on, but not much. So, I started thinking that maybe things won’t be so bad anymore, but guess what happened in the middle of my 7th grade year? Hint: The middle of my 7th grade year was in 2020.
My district quarantined for COVID-19 on March 12th, 2020, and I didn't talk to anyone in person until August of 2021. That was when, “I was suddenly dropped back into in-person school in an entirely new school full of people I don’t know” and that I didn’t talk to anyone, but I watched the people around me and “deduced that I would have a bad time.” And that is what happened, so there can’t be much argument there.
What I somehow failed to get really into in that long-winded explanation was how bullying, really, really affected my life and the person I am now. I mentioned it a bit, but not really.
So, in concise terms, the shit I went through as a child makes me wary of trusting anyone (to the point where I call almost no one my friend), and makes me prefer to isolate because being alone is peaceful and much less messy and nerve-wracking than keeping a circle of friends.
I go into more detail about my circumstance and my mental health at the time, but to keep this as concise as possible, I won't get into that. Instead, I’ll get into…
#2: What Made Me Think To Write This
This is what I say after that long-winded explanation of everything before this.
I started slowly coming out of my shell in the middle of the year and making friends. I started to feel better in this school and talking to people. The year ended before I came out of my shell completely, but I had more people I felt comfortable talking to by the end of the year.
This year, it’s way easier to talk to people (though, sometimes I still tense up when I need to talk to people I don’t know). I’m more confident (most of the time), and I feel like I belong in this school, which is the exact opposite of how I felt last year. I feel like I’m a part of this school rather than feeling like an outsider and that everyone knows I don’t belong.
At the time, I had a friend group of people I didn't mind being silly and chaotic around. One of those people knew a lot of people, so he got me to know a bunch of other people. It’s not like I didn’t have friends before this, I just didn’t show anyone my real personality until then.
However, not all of this is still true.
This year, it’s way easier to talk to people.
No, it isn’t. Not anymore.
The person I mentioned who knew a bunch of other people? Yeah, we fell out. I don’t really want to get into it, but the important thing is, we no longer are friends and I hardly ever see the other people we used to hang around anymore.
Because of this, I went back to self-isolating. I went back into my shell because I felt that I let my guard down too early and too easily. There is a group of people I talk to now, but my guard is up and I’m not sure when it’ll come down, unforunately.
I feel like I belong in this school, which is the exact opposite of how I felt last year. I feel like I’m a part of this school rather than feeling like an outsider and that everyone knows I don’t belong.
Also, as a result of the fall-out, this is no longer true. I do not feel I’m a part of this school. However, it’s mostly me, not the school.
It’s the self-isolation, sure, but it’s also the fact that school simply drains me. My grades aren’t great, and every time I come here, a piece of me dies. When I leave, I’ll feel like no one will know that I was ever here at all.
Now, let’s move on to…
#3: My Original Point
Yes, what the hell was the point of this article?
Here’s how I explain that.
At this point, I realized that not many people I encounter at this school and on my way to school (as I usually ride the bus with at least two people from my school or my school’s sister school every day) judge me. My style is seen as creepy or demonic to some people, I carry a stuffed animal and sometimes dolls around, and I do a lot of things that people may see as strange…but no one calls me weird. Don’t get me wrong, there are some people, but most people don’t pay me any mind. To be honest, I get complimented a lot.
This seems like an fine point, right? Except…
This is about how I typically looked then.
Not that there is anything wrong with how I looked, of course not. There just… isn't much to bully. Sure, this outfit in particular is unconventional, and I got a few stares that day, but it doesn’t exactly scream “I am a punching bag” to these types of people.
Now, this is about how I typically look now.
Again, nothing wrong with how I look, but to these types of people, there is plenty to bully that just wasn’t there when I wrote the original article.
What I’m trying to say is, I don’t think I had an accurate viewpoint of how much people care about how I dress because I looked… relatively normal. Just a little out there. Now, I look absolutely insane and eccentric almost everyday, and people love to bully anyone who stands out like a sore thumb.
These days, I get talked about every time I set foot in the hallway, and during summer school, I overheard someone threatening to jump me and now only feel safe carrying around pepper spray in my book bag for fear that one day, someone may act on that. And the kicker, a student from my school made a list of people she wanted to kill, and they caught that student. It was a freshman. Yet, a rumor spread around that the student was me. All this because makeup and clothes. Every day, I wonder what would’ve happened if I was dressed up that day (as people tend to not recognize me out of makeup). Would I have prevented the spread of the rumor once more and more people realized I was not in the back of some police cruiser? Or would I still have been blamed for it, persecuted, and assaulted? I don't know. All I know is, people definitely care about how I dress. They really, really do.
#4: Final Thoughts
So, I guess I analyzed this article and wrote all of this to say that I was wrong. The people I’m around did not get less judgmental as I got older, I just learned out to stick out less and didn’t realize.
However, now I stick out all the time, and it’s great because I am not forcing my self-expression to be quieter because of what people think. People are always going to be judgmental, but it’s important to be as loud as possible despite of them, because what is the point of living on this Earth if you can’t stay true to yourself? If you’re not hurting anyone, then be who you are and fuck the haters.
I think that’s a better message, actually.
